Brian Nox

Empowering Women because there's nothing else I'd rather do

Why Being Single is Awesome

Some people avoid singledom like it’s the plague. They’d rather stay in an emotionally unhealthy relationship than being single.
Why wouldn’t they? We all know all romantic relationships are nothing but unconditional love, tjirping birds, affection, mutual respect and most importantly: living happily ever after.

That’s what all relationships are about, right?

Unless when they are not.

First, I’m sure you already know that not a single relationship feels like heaven all the time. When the first weeks or months are over even the good relationships will feel average sometimes. But for some people the stresses start as soon as they start dating: “why didn’t he call?”, “what did he mean when he said that…”…

Now let’s look at being single for a second. That dreaded ‘singledom’. People telling: “ah, you’re still single. You’ll find someone great someday, don’t worry!”

Worry?

Why would worries even be necessary?

Being single means you have time to explore the world and yourself without trying to match what you want with someone else’s wants and needs.

Being single means you can turn up the music and start to dance, whenever and whichever way you like without anyone telling you that’s weird.

Being single means you can decide what to eat, what to watch, what to do whenever you feel like it.

Being single means you can spend time doing whatever makes you happy.

Being single means you often don’t have to ‘worry’ as much as people who do have a relationship do.

Because as an author of books about love and relationships, I know for a fact that many people who are living the life, you know, who have a relationship, are not living happily ever after at all.

So for you to give up on your singledom and all of its perks, it better be for a person who gives you at least all of the benefits and great feelings that being single provides.

I’d rather be single than in an unhealthy relationship any day of the week.

What about you?

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Why do we always feel the need to explain ourselves?

And then I wondered: why do we always feel the need to explain ourselves, when others will always hear what they want to hear?

Why do we sometimes say: “maybe”, when deep down we’d rather say “yes” or “no”? And why do we often feel the need to explain ourselves?

Why do we often choose to stay stuck when deep down we know we should make the choice to move on?

Why are we often intimidated by other people’s opinions?

The answers are hidden in the following question:

When will we learn that we can’t hurt people with our decisions? We can only serve them.

At the beginning of every flight the flight attendant will tell you: “if there’s ever a problem, the oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling. Put them on yourself FIRST before helping others”.

That’s, in my opinion, the only way to live life.

I still help others. All lot of them thanks to my best-selling book written for women, but the most important lesson I’ve learned over a decade ago is this:

We are the most important person we will ever meet. So we should treat ourselves as such.

That’s the best way to empower ourselves.

 

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As soon as you’re interested, he no longer is…

There’s a major puzzle to solve when it comes to most men:

You’re interested in a guy and, good news: he seems interested too.

Until you tell or show him you’re interested too, that is. Then he’s gone.

What is it with these men?

A lot of women have also asked me: “how come guys I’m interested in don’t like me, yet all the guys who borderline stalk me are of no interest to me?”

Aha. Well, these two issues have the exact same cause.

First of all please put your thick skin on, because you’re about to have thoughts like “What? Me? No! I don’t do this!”

Ready?

Let’s go.

It’s okay to let a guy know you’re interested in him. It’s not okay to show him how much. At least not at first.

A lot of women I’ve coached and most of the women who read my books and reach out to me afterwards admit something to the tunes of:

“We had a great couple of dates, then I told him I liked him. He became somewhat distant. I ignored it but when I asked him out for a second date he was too busy to find time. When I asked him what was wrong he said: “I just want to be honest, I’m not looking for anything serious, I don’t want to hurt you” and then they disappear.”

If you ever had this happen to you, you may have noticed it’s easier to get the President on the phone than this guy! Not that you would want the president on the phone, I know.

And the truth is, these men say they are ‘honest’, but they are not! Some of these guys claim: “well I’m not ready for anything serious, especially not a relationship”, but then 4 months down the road they propose to another woman. I guess they were ready after all.

Men are always ready for a relationship!
Otherwise they wouldn’t have asked you out. If it was just for one night they wouldn’t have gone through all that hassle.
Even players get into relationships. But players deserve a different treatment, I’ll write about them in a future article.

However, let’s get back to the good men (not the players) who flake, who become distant.

They do so because a woman shows too much interest too soon.

And a lot of women fall into this trap.

“What? Me? No! I don’t do this!”

I told you so 😉

There are multiple ways to show you’re interested.

There’s the attractive way: “I like you, but don’t think you’re there yet”. Then there’s the I-need-some-space-way: “I like you. I’ve never met anyone like you before. When can we go out again”.

Can you see the difference?

Option 1 says: “I like you, but keeps the guy guessing. “Great, but how much? And what does it mean that you ‘like’ me? And where is it that we are not yet?” These questions raise his interest level.

Option 2 communicates: “I’ve been fishing in this pond since forever and I can’t believe you bit on my hook. Wow! I hope I never lose you. I will pretend I don’t care about marriage, but right beneath the surface it’s all I can think about. So seriously, are you available on July the 4th? Because that looks like a great day to get married and celebrate the end of your independence!”

I’m not exaggerating. I know there’s no woman who would actually say this, but this is what men hear! You have to cut men some slack, they don’t have a lot of processing power and have a hard time ‘getting’ women.

So what is it that you should then do besides make sure you pick option 1?

Well that’s exactly what I discuss on my weekly podcast. So make sure to jump aboard via the link below. It’s free! There’s no catch. I make the podcast for all of the women who read my books and I’d love to share some important insights about men with you too.

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Flirting, there is a wrong way to do it

 “Flirting? I don’t need to learn how to flirt, I’m really good at it”, I thought. I was good with the ladies, I knew how to talk to them, so I believed I was great at flirting.

I was so wrong.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Brian Nox and I’m an author of a couple of best-sellers about Dating and relationships (You can find my books here). It’s over 15 years ago that I started to study relationship dynamics and what I discovered has forever changed my life. Not only my personal love life, the lives of the women I’ve coached or the women who read any of my books as well.

Back to flirting. There’s often a misconception about what flirting really is. Some believe ‘flirting’ is what you do whenever you just met someone. Maybe you continue flirting during the first couple of dates. But then it should stop. Right? “Flirting is not needed in a relationship” some people say.

That is wrong again.
Through the many years I’ve studied relationships and the hundreds of people I’ve personally interviewed who managed to stay in a loving relationship that had already lasted 10 years or more , I found out that flirting is a necessary ingredient, even deep down in the relationship.

In fact, flirting – and getting it right – is so important it can make or break your love life.

Let me explain: Flirting not only creates that spark and the sexual tension that creates attraction. Flirting is a communication device.

Flirting communicates you have self esteem, that you’re feeling confident, that you’re high value.

However, women should flirt in a different way than men do.

Here’s where many women get it wrong. Some flirt in an aggressive way, other do it in a needy way. They use sentences like:

“We should go out someday” and believe this is flirting.

“Here’s my number, call me maybe” and believe it’s Okay to be direct. They believe they have to be since “all men became wussies, I’m sure he is interested, he just has a hard time showing it, so I’ll put in the effort.”

Most men are wussies, but needy and aggressive behavior is not flirting.

Being too direct, as a woman, is not flirting.

When a woman is direct, she’s exuding masculine energy. Straight men are not attracted to masculine energy. That’s why women who are direct, who chase men often end up single.

Flirting is a complicated subject, as you see, because truthfully, a lot of men are wussies. They’re too afraid to let a woman know they’re interested in her. If they’d get shot down their ego might take a hit that big that it will hide under the bed for the next couple of months.

So what is a woman to do then?

Well, there luckily is a right way to flirt too.

Flirting creates an important mix between a hint of interest, some challenge and a pinch of uncertainty.

 Let’s break these down, because every element is important and when it’s left out, it’s no longer flirting.

A hint of interest.

 This is the most difficult part of the equation for most women. Show too much interest, and you can come across as needy and scare a guy away. Show too little interest and it will take him a couple of weeks more before some men will dare to take the first step.

A hint, emphasis on hint, of interest shows a guy he’s got a green light to approach and possibly to ask you out.

Here’s what the hint is not: “we should go out sometime”, “oh well then I would love for us to go eat there someday”, these will come across as needy. The signal is too obvious and no longer a hint.

“I like your coat” is a hint.

“I like it when a guy…” is a hint.

It doesn’t say that you’re interested or how much. It gives a hint.

This is partly what creates a pinch of uncertainty.

As you’ve undoubtedly noticed, some men tend to take a woman for granted as soon as there’s no uncertainty. When he’s ‘sure’, he can move on to other things and will start to spend more time with his friends again. He’ll seem less invested into the relationship.

That’s because he is.

I explain all of the reasons why uncertainty is so important in my books, so for now, let’s leave it at: a pinch of uncertainty is always needed. When you started dating and when you’re celebrating your 40-year marriage anniversary.

Uncertainty keeps him on his toes and keeps him putting his best foot forward.

Although it’s just a pinch, this very pinch of uncertainty is one of the most important ingredients to create and keep the attraction alive.

This brings us to the most important ingredient: challenge.

Challenge isn’t what creates the spark, it’s what keeps it alive. The initial spark is created by pheromones, hormones and a whole range of other natural selection processes that we don’t always have control over.
Challenge doesn’t create the initial fire, but it can help it grow and get steaming hot. A challenge is simply put: making him work for it.

And why wouldn’t you?

Men have started wars to get a woman.

If he’s not willing to put in an effort now, why would he later?

Challenge not only helps you weed out the bad and uninterested men, it can actually help you attract the good ones. Good men aren’t afraid to work hard for what they want.

You introduce ‘challenge’ early on by saying things like:

“Aw, I was just starting to like you, but now everything is lost” after he says something silly. Say this with a smile or a grin on your face to add the necessary pinch of uncertainty (“Is she serious??”). This one sentence has all three elements. A hint of interest (I might like you), challenge (but you lost it), uncertainty (I’m smiling…so am I serious?).

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Starting a new Chapter

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over” – Paulo Coelho
A lot of misery can be avoided when we start to apply this quote to our relationships. So many of us hold on even when we know it is in fact…already over.

We’re afraid of change and it’s not our fault. Our bodies and brains are designed that way. Change is dangerous, uncertainty is dangerous…so they believe.

In relationships however, holding on IS dangerous. Before you know it 10 more years have passed and nothing has changed. We’re still with the same partner even though deep down we know we deserve better.

Or maybe we’re single, but we keep approaching every new relationship the exact same way…and obviously keep getting the exact same results.

We know we should move on to the next chapter, to the new us.

But we don’t…because letting go is hard.

Uncertainty is hard, but necessary.

We need to close the door to what is over. If we don’t, the draught is going to keep pulling us back to the past.

Here’s the good news. As soon as you’ve walked through that valley of uncertainty, as soon as you’ve held on despite of all the fears you might feel, you walk into a town called “everything you want”. It’s always on the other side of fear and uncertainty and it’s a great place to live in.

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© 2017 Brian Nox