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In this video I’ll talk about how you can scare a guy away when you try too hard, why that is? What’s the psychology behind that phenomenon? And how do you prevent it without playing hard to get. But to get there, I have to start with a different set of questions. Have you ever had strong feelings for someone who seemed like the right person for you — because your heart was sure of it — even though you only knew that person for a couple of weeks…or minutes? Have you ever had your friends say “you deserve better” but ignored it? Did you ever believe someone was your perfect match, and now in hindsight a couple of years later, you just can’t grasp how you ever came to that silly conclusion? That’s what this video will be about.
I’m an author, I write books about dating, relationships, mastering difficult emotions and other topics. My real name is Geert, my easier to pronounce pen name Brian Nox, and a story you’ll see very often, is that a woman falls in love with a guy she just met, and she develops strong feelings for him right away. When she talks to him, she feels like there is a connection. He seems special. He says the right things, he does the right things, he looks like the right thing… She’s romantically and physically attracted to him and he is to her. What could possibly go wrong?
Nothing, so it seems at first. It’s a happy ending in the making. But sometimes, a “happy ending” is just a story that isn’t finished yet. Long story short, he dumps her. Of course not before he became less interested first, took longer to return her calls, lowered her importance so much that eventually dusting off his houseplants became more important than seeing her. What happened? And could she have prevented this? Because this here was not necessarily a bad or an immature guy! As we’ll see, women do this to guys as well of course.
There are TWO problems. The first one is that when two people are attracted to each other, they are probably not falling in love at the same speed. This can be a big issue. You often see this on TV during a dating show where the goal is to find “the one”. Two people meet, there’s instant attraction, everything goes well but then one person starts to develop strong feelings much quicker than the other one. Then, the more the “in love” or even infatuated person starts to go for it, the more the other person pulls away until everything ends in tears.
There’s a controversial psychological reason behind this. We love to buy, but we hate to be sold. As soon as someone comes on too rapidly or puts in too much effort too soon, or worse, tries to convince us, we start to look for the catch. Even a beautiful thing can lose value rapidly then. Just imagine your perfect guy. The full package. One day you’re eating out with friends, and there he is. You meet him. Love at first sight. The physical attraction is gigantic, the sparks are so big someone even called the fire department. He stays the night. The next morning, you walk into the kitchen and he’s on the phone, hangs up and tells you he just quit his job and put his condo up for sale so he can move in with you and be with you as much as possible. Good news…I guess. For the next couple of weeks it’s clear you are his one and only priority. It’s what a lot of women dream of. Being the top priority of their perfect guy. Question is: Will he still be your perfect guy then, or will you start looking for the catch because everything is going just a tad too fast? How long will it take before you will ask your “perfect guy” to unsell his condo and move back to his place.
I exaggerate to prove my point, but his behavior will scare you away. His actions prove how little he thinks of himself. You’ve just met him and he’s already selling his soul to you. Your REAL perfect match would not have made it THIS easy. Not because he plays games, but because your real perfect match knows his OWN value, what he’s worth. He’s not giving himself to the LOWEST bidder. He’s not trying to cling on to the FIRST woman who smiles back and invites him in. Pretty logical, right?
Yet some women do something similar with a guy they’ve just met. They know him for a couple of days, weeks or months and even though they don’t REALLY know him, they go out of their way to meet him and clear their schedule, they start dreaming about the perfect future with him, they make him very important, they treat him like the King he hasn’t proven to be. Here’s the problem. They are not in love with HIM, they’re in love with the image they have of him. This is always a recipe for disaster, a recipe for a miserable ending.
And that’s the second problem. Falling for the image of someone, not for who they really are. The solution is easy. When you are attracted to a man, realize that your heart will start to paint an ideal picture of him. When you’re with THAT ideal guy, all your problems will melt away forever. Pure eternal bliss. No wonder it’s so attractive. Next to it and much harder to see, is the picture of who he really is. The picture of reality. And here’s the thing: in the beginning you won’t know how many differences there are between both pictures. There will at least be a couple, there could be thousands. So our job, when we fall for someone, is not to play hard to get but to realize that we need time before we REALLY know someone. Our heart is not our most trusted advisor during the first couple of months.
The second part of the solution: have an open heart, love him as much as you want, but base your efforts and your investment on who he really is, not on the perfect image of him. This is a great general rule that makes it easy to remember your own value and standards no matter how attracted or in love you are. How is he treating you? How is he towards you, his family, your friends, your family, the waiter, that annoying pigeon in the park? Is he considerate or inconsiderate? Try to pay attention to those things, because as I said your heart will just keep the “IDEAL” image right in front of your face, it will not be easy to look past it…. And if you base your efforts on REALITY, on how he treats you and others, on his investment and efforts, it will be very hard to scare a guy away because you will not be rushing into anything. While at the same time you’re not playing games, you’re not forcefully holding back, you’re just looking at reality and basing your efforts on that.