“Flirting? I don’t need to learn how to flirt, I’m really good at it”, I thought. I was good with the ladies, I knew how to talk to them, so I believed I was great at flirting.
I was so wrong.
Let me introduce myself. My name is Brian Nox and I’m an author of a couple of best-sellers about Dating and relationships (You can find my books here). It’s over 15 years ago that I started to study relationship dynamics and what I discovered has forever changed my life. Not only my personal love life, the lives of the women I’ve coached or the women who read any of my books as well.
Back to flirting. There’s often a misconception about what flirting really is. Some believe ‘flirting’ is what you do whenever you just met someone. Maybe you continue flirting during the first couple of dates. But then it should stop. Right? “Flirting is not needed in a relationship” some people say.
That is wrong again.
Through the many years I’ve studied relationships and the hundreds of people I’ve personally interviewed who managed to stay in a loving relationship that had already lasted 10 years or more , I found out that flirting is a necessary ingredient, even deep down in the relationship.
In fact, flirting – and getting it right – is so important it can make or break your love life.
Let me explain: Flirting not only creates that spark and the sexual tension that creates attraction. Flirting is a communication device.
Flirting communicates you have self esteem, that you’re feeling confident, that you’re high value.
However, women should flirt in a different way than men do.
Here’s where many women get it wrong. Some flirt in an aggressive way, other do it in a needy way. They use sentences like:
“We should go out someday” and believe this is flirting.
“Here’s my number, call me maybe” and believe it’s Okay to be direct. They believe they have to be since “all men became wussies, I’m sure he is interested, he just has a hard time showing it, so I’ll put in the effort.”
Most men are wussies, but needy and aggressive behavior is not flirting.
Being too direct, as a woman, is not flirting.
When a woman is direct, she’s exuding masculine energy. Straight men are not attracted to masculine energy. That’s why women who are direct, who chase men often end up single.
Flirting is a complicated subject, as you see, because truthfully, a lot of men are wussies. They’re too afraid to let a woman know they’re interested in her. If they’d get shot down their ego might take a hit that big that it will hide under the bed for the next couple of months.
So what is a woman to do then?
Well, there luckily is a right way to flirt too.
Flirting creates an important mix between a hint of interest, some challenge and a pinch of uncertainty.
Let’s break these down, because every element is important and when it’s left out, it’s no longer flirting.
A hint of interest.
This is the most difficult part of the equation for most women. Show too much interest, and you can come across as needy and scare a guy away. Show too little interest and it will take him a couple of weeks more before some men will dare to take the first step.
A hint, emphasis on hint, of interest shows a guy he’s got a green light to approach and possibly to ask you out.
Here’s what the hint is not: “we should go out sometime”, “oh well then I would love for us to go eat there someday”, these will come across as needy. The signal is too obvious and no longer a hint.
“I like your coat” is a hint.
“I like it when a guy…” is a hint.
It doesn’t say that you’re interested or how much. It gives a hint.
This is partly what creates a pinch of uncertainty.
As you’ve undoubtedly noticed, some men tend to take a woman for granted as soon as there’s no uncertainty. When he’s ‘sure’, he can move on to other things and will start to spend more time with his friends again. He’ll seem less invested into the relationship.
That’s because he is.
I explain all of the reasons why uncertainty is so important in my books, so for now, let’s leave it at: a pinch of uncertainty is always needed. When you started dating and when you’re celebrating your 40-year marriage anniversary.
Uncertainty keeps him on his toes and keeps him putting his best foot forward.
Although it’s just a pinch, this very pinch of uncertainty is one of the most important ingredients to create and keep the attraction alive.
This brings us to the most important ingredient: challenge.
Challenge isn’t what creates the spark, it’s what keeps it alive. The initial spark is created by pheromones, hormones and a whole range of other natural selection processes that we don’t always have control over.
Challenge doesn’t create the initial fire, but it can help it grow and get steaming hot. A challenge is simply put: making him work for it.
And why wouldn’t you?
Men have started wars to get a woman.
If he’s not willing to put in an effort now, why would he later?
Challenge not only helps you weed out the bad and uninterested men, it can actually help you attract the good ones. Good men aren’t afraid to work hard for what they want.
You introduce ‘challenge’ early on by saying things like:
“Aw, I was just starting to like you, but now everything is lost” after he says something silly. Say this with a smile or a grin on your face to add the necessary pinch of uncertainty (“Is she serious??”). This one sentence has all three elements. A hint of interest (I might like you), challenge (but you lost it), uncertainty (I’m smiling…so am I serious?).