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Here is the transcript of the video:
In this videos I’ll explain how to make sure we don’t lose ourselves in a relationship, how to make sure we don’t become needy so we don’t scare our partner And the passion away in our relationship.
When we fall for someone we try to get close to them. We try to figure out what they are thinking, what they are about and, most importantly, what they think about us. During the first dates and weeks in the relationship we can spend hours just talking, or cuddling, or participating in other sensual activities. Time seems to stop.
We try to become closer, to fuse, to merge, to become one. Our mind may even believe our previous so important hobbies and friends, are really not THAT important. We want to be with the one we love. Some of us will be hesitant, because they’ve been hurt in the past. But still, deep down, everyone wants to fuse, to merge with the one we love. Having sex, for instance, is a form of merging. Embracing someone, holding someone close: merging.
Now, getting close has some disadvantages. First of all, as you may have felt, it strangles the passion. People who make mistakes in this area get off to a great start with the one they love, but soon the passion will start to decline. It’s because they came too close to the other person. They get stuck so to speak.
Another disadvantage is that we ourselves may get scared as well. because the more important we believe the other person to be, the more central of a role they get in our lives, the more is at risk, and the more we feel we are at the whims of this other person. That’s a source of stress and it will make it easy to become needy, to nag, to use passion killing sentences like “why don’t you ever”. It IS stressful by the way. When our lover is happy and positive, we feel happy and positive. When the lover withdraws, of worse, ignores us, we get scared. When we get too close to our lover, our emotions will be linked to thém.
And it’s more than that.
We get tired. All of this is very fatiguing en stressful for our nervous system.
If our sense of self, our validation, our self-esteem has to come from what our partner does or doesn’t do, we are at their mercy.
And when we’re at their mercy, we become needy.
We lose ourselves.
If we need them to give us compliments, to show us that they love us, if we need them to prove they desire us so we can feel good, we’re in trouble. Our partner is probably not a robot, o they won’t always give us what we need or behave the way we’d like.
So one of the tricks to get a passionate long-term relationship is to be able to get close, really close, but to never link our feelings to those of our partner. To never need a certain reaction so we can feel good.
Because if we need certain reactions, we will have a hard time showing our boundaries. Of course, because we don’t want them to get mad, or to not like us anymore. And that’s a problem.
If we want to have a passionate relationship that remains that way, we have to be able to express our feelings AND what we want in that relationship WITHOUT focusing on the reactions of our lover, without focusing on how they will take it. We have to deliver the message in a respectful, strong, non-needy and non-naggy way, but their reaction to the message cannot matter. Sometimes we have to disconnect ourselves from their feelings.
When we fear their reaction, when we adapt to their reaction we are no longer ourselves. And no good can ever come from that, especially not in a long-term relationship.
Plus, like I said, they are not a robot, they are not our servants either. They don’t “have to” give us anything.
Our partners have the right to have a different opinion, to not do something we’d really want them to do, even to behave badly, to be an ass. Everyone has the right to choose how they want to live their life. Everyone has the right to choose their preferences. So do we.
However, if we accept bad behavior and don’t take stand because we fear their reaction, they will do it forever.
Now some people, when they take a stand, they nag, they threaten, they try to change the other person. That’s the wrong approach. We cannot change another person and we shouldn’t even try.
Pressuring them, threatening them or manipulating them is unloving, disrespectful and there is no room for unloving behavior in a loving relationship. Ever.
So what should we do then?
We disconnect ourselves from needing and seeking their validation. Needing the validation of our lover is the root cause of a lot of problems in relationships. And it’s a mistake.
We don’t “need” them. We were totally fine before we met them. We had moments of pure happiness before we ever kissed them. We don’t “need” them.
So if they behave badly, we may say:
“I’m not willing to accept this behavior. In order for me to be happy, I want to be with someone who… and then you fill in the blanks.
And then you continue:
“Now look, you don’t have to give that to me. I never want you to feel pressured into giving me anything or into being someone you’re not or into doing something you don’t want. You have to be happy as well. You choose how you want to live your life. You choose how you want to treat me.
But I will make my decisions accordingly. I have to take care of myself.“
Can you feel the power in that? Can you feel the high value woman or man in that.
If we don’t take this stance, we lose. Always remember: the partner who “NEEDS” the least intimacy in a relationship controls the intimacy in the relationship.
If we NEED the validation of our lover to feel whole, we lose, and the relationship will fail or become a very co-dependent relationship, which is not healthy either.
Don’t worry, I’m not saying you can’t really LOVE someone, or WANT someone. We can deeply enjoy the presence of our lover, their touch and even enjoy their validation and love. Yes, you can enjoy their validation and compliments.
But we should never depend on it to feel whole. For if we do, that dependency will control the relationship, the other person will control the relationship. We will no longer be equals.
Our lover will control how we feel. And that’s a power we should never give away, not even to the one we love.
But again, don’t worry, we don’t have to keep people at a distance, we don’t have to be afraid to open up. We can be close and intimate with someone.
The trick is making sure that, even when they get close, we never lose ourselves.
If we need validation from our lover, we will be wearing a mask and we’ll try to get the response we want from them. We adapt to them, we try to please them. And as I’m sure you know, some people will take advantage of that. Even good people, they just can’t help it. Now, it’s a burden for them as well. They feel that huge responsibility of needing to give constant validation and support. It scares a lot of people away and that’s logical. Always remember: What we run after, usually runs away.
When both partners are not depending on each other’s validation, they are truly themselves and they can bring their strengths to the relationship, instead of their neediness and weakness.
Wow, that was important, let me repeat that:
When both partners are not depending on each other’s validation, they are truly themselves and they can bring their strengths to the relationship, instead of their neediness and weakness.
The true magic happens when we realize that even when we are really intimate and close with someone, we’re still two separate and different people.
Our lover doesn’t have to agree with us.
Our lover doesn’t have to validate us.
Our lover doesn’t even have to like us!
Our lover gets the freedom to reject us, we allow it fully, because we choose to not wear a mask and to show our true self.
If then, despite all of this, they DO like us, they do stick around and behave well, then we can feel safe and secure in that relationship given that our lover loves us for who we really are. Not for who we pretend to be. And they are allowed to be themselves as well.
When we don’t try to be accepted by our partner, when we don’t seek their validation, when we don’t act needy, when we don’t fear their rejection, then, and this is a big paradox, we increase the chances of them passionately wanting and desiring us exponentially.
So, this was a deep message, but it contains a couple of golden nuggets that I hope you will apply in your relationship.
If you found this interesting, then you’ll love my books, they’re here, on Amazon.
Looking for more advanced strategies given in a video format? Here’s the advanced video course
