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Did you know our brain makes mistakes when we fall in love? Big mistakes. When we’re dating or during the early stages of a relationship, our brain will for example think that certain things are true about the person we fell for. When in fact, they are absolutely not. And as we’ll discover in this video when we go over some of the scientific evidence, women that fall for a man suffer more from this phenomenon in their romantic relationships than men. And there’s more.
These very mistakes then cause dating frustrations and relationship problems. How I know? I research this stuff. I’m an author and I write books like these here about relationships. My pen name is Brian Nox, my real name Geert (hence the pen name) and I help people to master their emotions in all areas of life. But when you know how to master your emotions while you’re dating, are in a relationship or even married, a lot of the obstacles disappear. So let’s dive in some of the scientific evidence, I’ll put some of the references to the studies in the notes beneath this video as well.
If you’re a woman and you’re watching this, have you ever noticed that as soon as you made love to a man you liked, you liked him even more? Have you ever noticed that from then on, his presence made you feel more relaxed, perhaps even safer? OR, did you ever notice that you fell attracted to a bad boy even though, deep down, you kinda knew he wasn’t going to make you happy relationship wise?
This is because mistake number one thanks to the neuropeptide called Oxytocin, the love and bonding hormone. When oxytocin is released in a woman’s body, she will feel and create a bond with the person that triggered the release. In this case, the man she’s dating or is in a relationship with. EVEN when this guy is bad news for her. As Professor and Dr Loretta Breuning once said: the oxytocin release will raise the trust you have in a man, so you’ll get the illusion that he’s perfect, even when he really isn’t good for you. Men don’t suffer much from this. Oxytocin has a different effect on them. One you may like a lot.
When you make sure the man you’re dating, the man you’re in a relationship or even in a marriage with also gets some oxytocin, that may make him less interested or even repulsed by other attractive women. As proven by scientific research. I’ll explain how that works later on in the video because when your man is no longer attracted to other women, that could be a bonus. Because oxytocin, by the way, is good for us. It calms us down. We just have to be mindful of the side effects in our romantic relationship.
So, problem nr one, as soon as you’ve been intimate with a guy, sometimes cuddling is enough, you get oxytocin. That then makes you idealize the man you’re dating or are in a relationship with. Whether he’s a great guy or not. Your mind will start to trust him, adore him and love him MORE just because of the oxytocin. It has nothing to do with him. But that’s not even the biggest problem. As you’re having a great date, or as the beginning of the relationship makes you feel safe and relaxed and well super happy, you get other hormones like dopamine and some endorphins that feel really good. Falling in love with someone who seems to love us back feels great indeed, doesn’t it?
But. All great feelings can be a bit addictive and our brain is designed in a way that we will always need more to feel the same level of happiness, the same love rush. That’s really a problem in a romantic relationship. This is what makes some women needier. As their relationship progresses, they sense that they start to complain, possibly nag a bit more, they may feel angry for no reason. And they don’t get it, some even tell me: this isn’t who I am. It indeed isn’t, their brain is making yet another mistake. Whereas their brain was super happy to be on a short 40 minute date with that attractive guy, it now needs him to be present the entire weekend with his full attention on her, to get the same level of happiness.
Or that first “I love you” he said. It felt like heaven. She had been waiting for it for weeks. And then finally those words, goosebumps… But now, when he says “I love you baby”, it feels the same as when he says “goodmorning”… “okay yeah whatever”.
Have you ever noticed that? How that happens? How things in our relationship that made us feel super happy in the past, now don’t move the happiness meter an inch? How do we deal with these mistakes then because they can indeed lead to breakups? The trick here is to realize that it always ends. Not the relationship but the hormones!
Nature can’t keep those hormones of love and infatuation up for long. So we should stop looking for the high and have to appreciate that the “in love” experience will end and then becomes one of real and stable true love. IF you have avoided mistake number one, that is. Here’s how.
Enjoy those first dates, enjoy the feelings of being in love with an open heart but wait before you give him the stamp of approval, the “relationship material” or “husband material” stamp until the fog has lifted and your vision has returned. Until you start seeing him for who he really is. And he could be a great guy of course.
And by the way, this also means it’s best to not yet get married to a man while you’re still in that infatuated in-love zone that can last a little over a year to maximum two after the first date, after you fell for him. Because you won’t really know who you’re marrying then. There’s a reason why there used to be no sex before marriage. It’s kinda clever. It allows a woman to see the man for who he really is with a lot less fog before her eyes. That said, oxytocin can also be your friend and not just because it makes us feel good.
I promised to give you more info on how to make the guy you love be less to not at all interested in other attractive women. Well a scientific study, link in the notes underneath the video, has tested what happens when you give a man who’s in a romantic relationship with a woman, some oxytocin, versus when you give it to a bachelor. It had little to no effect on bachelors. But the men that were in a relationship with another woman, avoided attractive women, remained at a distance of those attractive women, they often didn’t look in their eyes when that woman was looking at them and well, they were not interested.
One of the ways to increase oxytocin in your guy is to make love to him, obviously. Or to cuddle but he will have a slight preference for the lovemaking. If you want to know more ways, let me know in the comments and then I may make a video about that too.
In general, the trick is to realize that the brain makes mistakes and to use your emotional intelligence. In other words, be the director of your thoughts and feelings. It’s not because you think or feel something, especially in relationships, that it’s true. And explain this to yourself.
“Wow I’ve got a mega crush because we cuddled last night”. It really can be as silly as that.
Does that mean he is your prince charming? Nobody knows. Your brain doesn’t either even though it may think it does. Only time will tell. When you’ve lived with him. When you’ve seen his full personality and all of his habits…bad ones included.
Like “Are those beard hairs in the sink? AGAIN” A man’s eye has a hard time seeing beard and other hairs… as soon as they leave his skin they become invisible to him…I’ve tried explaining that to my girlfriend over and over but for some reason she doesn’t believe me…