When a Man Breaks Up With You, Ask This Question
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In this video I want to talk about having a broken heart and what to do about it. How to get over a heartbreak as quickly as possible. We can have our heart broken when there’s a sudden loss of interest, when someone we love wakes up one day and decides to no longer have feelings for us for reasons that will make no sense at all. So how can you deal with that broken heart and is there a way to refrain from doing things that you will regret later on…because broken hearts and breakups can be tricky. That’s what this video is about, because a lot of the things we do when someone breaks up with us make everything worse. We have so many conflicting emotions and we may have no idea what’s best for us. So I’ll share an important question to ask yourself that guides you when you feel heartache because of a breakup.
I’m an author, I write books about dating and relationships and other topics, my real name is Geert and my much easier to pronounce pen name is Brian Nox. Breakups are…interesting. I get contacted daily by women who ask me things like: “my guy broke up with me, how can I get him back? Tell me how to get my ex back!” other women ask me: “I don’t want my ex back, but how do I move on from here because I keep thinking about him all the time.”
Before we even consider whether it’s a good idea to get back together, we need to look at the heartache itself. That pain, that hurt, may force you to do things that you may regret later on, things that push him away, things that make you lose your self-respect and your confidence.
That heartache probably started when he said “we need to talk”. Sadly, when that sentence is used, it’s not to talk about the weather, the pros and cons of becoming a vegan, or what happened on your favorite TV show last night. No, it’s a talk about the apocalypse, the end of all things. After that talk, your mind may be convinced that your life will never be the same again. It’s the end of the future as you knew it. In as little as a couple of sentences, everything is and feels different and totally uncertain. Especially because you may start to realize that you’ve made a mistake. The person you loved so much isn’t who you thought he was.
Now most of the pain that we feel after a breakup is FEAR. That’s what it is, FEAR. Fear of that uncertain future we’re suddenly presented with against our will. Fear of the emptiness that our ex created.
Some people then say: okay, time heals all wounds I’ve heard, so I need to kill time. I will bingewatch TV with or without an ice cream buffet, I’ll visit friends 24/7, I’ll stay busy ALL the time. Because when I’m alone, THAT’s when I start to think, that’s when I’m confronted with the hurt and possibly some loneliness. I want to avoid that, thinking is overrated anyway.
That’s not really a solution of course. After a breakup, when there’s heartache, we NEED time to think. We need to do some homework. We can’t skip this and the sooner we do this homework, the better, the quicker we can move on.
Pain often tries to teach us a lesson, that’s why we feel it…it’s our bodies waynof telling us that there may be a lesson to be learned. So if we choose to, every break up can teach us a lot. It can teach us about ourselves and what we need to work on, about relationships and how we behave in them, about the way we select a partner. Breakups can be a good thing. We can become a more empowered and better version of ourselves because of a breakup. You can turn the heartache into an positive energy.
But we must be mindful. If you follow the mind games, and if you don’t know me, a mind game is when our mind is convinced that something is a GREAT idea when in reality, it REALLY isn’t, so if you follow those mind games, then you will do things that you WILL regret.
Examples are: Stalking an ex, so not letting them go, not giving them space, trying to convince them that they are wrong about us, that we want them back, that we have made mistakes and that we have learned our lesson this time if only they would get back together with us so we can prove it, checking our phone 100 times a minute,
OR sending them a message and then anxiously awaiting the “oh they’ve seen it” moment, followed by the: “they have seen it, why am I not getting a response……aaah, I should not have sent anything, I knew it…..…aaah…I’ll send something else as a follow up, I can’t leave it at THIS…”
that’s the perfect example of a mind game, we double down on the same mistake and keep repeating it… It makes no sense. None of these are a good idea because instead of convincing the ex that they made the wrong decision, we’re proving that breaking up was a great choice. Most importantly, these behaviors are not good for us, personally. They destroy our self-respect and self-love and our standards and they INCREASE the heartache.
Plus, when a woman gets back together with her ex, and SHE hasn’t learned a lesson, HE hasn’t learned a lesson, then the relationship will fail again, there will be another breakup.
But it’s that heartache, that pain, that makes us do these stupid things. Rule number one is to become aware of this! Here’s a solution: for every action that’s related to the breakup, ask yourself the following question: am I doing what I’m about to do to take away the pain? To not feel the pain that the breakup has caused?
If the answer is yes, then it may not be a good idea. It’s probably something that you will regret in the future and that will prolong or increase the heartache.
The second question, very important: am I doing this to replenish my self-respect, my self love, am I doing this to move on, to learn, to grow, to get back to who I really am. If the answer is yes, it’s probably something that you will never regret AND the action will probably help you to get over the heartache much sooner. THESE things actually reduce the pain even though that’s not the primary goal.
That’s the moral of the story. By feeling the pain, by allowing it, by not trying to numb it and by choosing to grow, the heartache can pass much quicker because you’ll be introducing good things into your life, instead of bad things like alcohol, bingewatching, one night stands and other activities that often only prolong the pain.
And you know what’s interesting: when you build yourself back up, when you grow, you have a much higher chance of starting an Improved relationship, with your ex or with a great new guy who’s worthy of your attention.
You win either way. Whether you want to get back together or move on, you will always have to leave the old relationship behind. That relationship was broken.
And if you’re not going through a breakup than this may sound super simple, but remember, you’re in the midst of mind games at that moment. Your emotions and feelings will be raw, will be across the board. It’s hard to see clearly then. That hurt makes us do silly things. Your mind will probably have turned your ex into the most important person in the universe, the most loved or hated person in the universe, when he should be about as important as an empty roll of toilet paper.
So ask yourself the questions I’ve mentioned and let THEM be your guide. Don’t follow your instincts because after a breakup, they are wrong.