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I’ve been talking a lot about the mistakes our brain can make in a romantic relationship and when we’re in love in the past couple of videos, because our brain drives our behavior. So if your brain makes a mistake and you blindly follow it, it may be the wrong behavior. This can be important when you’re in love because it can explain a lot of the challenges we face in a relationship or when we’re dating. For example, as soon as a man you have romantic feelings for ignores you and becomes unresponsive, whether you’re dating him or are involved in a relationship, there’s a FIRST huge mistake that will be executed in your brain right away. That mistake may result in you checking your phone every 5 minutes, obsessively thinking about what you did wrong and how he could possibly be so rude given that he told you he had feelings for you or loved you, you may contemplate giving up on men, at least for a while, and you may do other things that will DISempower you. You may also feel a very strange sensation when you’ve noticed he was online, and for example commented on something a friend shared, but still freaking failed to reach out to you. Let’s deal with that first mistake and how to fix it.
I’m an author, I write books about dating, relationships and other topics that are about handling difficult emotions, my pen name is Brian Nox, my real name is Geert and I got an email this week from two different women that had just started reading a book of mine. Woman 1 had a great thing going with a guy she was dating exclusively. He was kind, responsive, asked her out on more dates, then asked her out on a weekend away. What could possibly go wrong? Well, as soon as the tickets were booked, he vanished. She called him multiple times. No answer. And she noticed that her mind started to obsess about him. The other woman was dating an entrepreneur whose business got in rough waters and his attention shifted 100% to the business. He suddenly ignored her as well even though she thought their relationship was doing fine.
When this happens: when a man you like ignores you, your brain will freak out and release cortisol and other substances that put your body in a danger is imminent response. Your brain and body go in survival mode. As if you’re trapped in a tiny coffin filled with very active rattlesnakes that prefer to not see you in there with them. In other words: it’s not cool and it hurts.
But why. Why would your brain do this? Well our brain is always seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. That’s how we survive. So it wants to go on a great first date, then a second date, then start a relationship, maybe get married and make babies depending on what your preferences are. It wants to get this part covered and feel safe. When the man you’re dating or are in a relationship with responds well, the pleasure is rolling in and all is well.
Until it isn’t. Until that moment where that “idiot” ignores you. This freaks the brain out because the pleasure has suddenly stopped and because of what happened, it’s not sure it will EVER return. There’s uncertainty in your love life. The brain figures: for all I know I was wrong about this guy, he may have fooled me and he’s possibly dating another woman, and gosh, now I have to find someone new, do some online dating, waste a ton of time meeting the wrong men, and this and that and… dammit, I had a good thing going on here. WHY WHY!
See what happens? The brain is figuring out that mount Everest of work that needs to be done to feel happy again. “UNLESS”, the brain figures, “he would reach out RIGHT NOW and send me something. That would bring immediate relief, wouldn’t it? Oh, it would feel SO awesome & sweet. Come on, just send something.”
AHA. No wonder your brain wants to check your phone every 5 seconds.
But, here is where it gets interesting. And this is something that I’ve learned from Professor Loretta Breuning. What you do to fix that ache, that pain, how you respond to get RELIEF, will be engraved in your brain as a neural pathway and thus becomes a habit. For example: if you keep waiting and keep looking for a sign of life from him and he then finally gives it, you feel better. Great…but in fact it isn’t. Because now your brain will agonize even MORE the next time a man ignores you. It will freak out and look for a sign of life even more because it knows, as soon as that sign and reassurance comes, this stress goes away and I get relief. So the brain becomes needy and thinks: he is the only one who can take this pain away.
In other words, if we do something bad in order to feel better and it works, our brain will want to do this bad thing AGAIN and even more the next time we’re in the same situation. This is a big mistake in a romantic relationship and elsewhere. It’s why our brain can get addicted to bad foods, alcohol and other things too. If it brought relief, it gets installed as a habit.
I want to take a moment to let this sink in. If you don’t fix this and let the brain run on autopilot when you’re in love, this here is devastating while dating or when you’re in a relationship. It’s what makes some women needy, what makes them lose themselves in their relationship, eat ice cream after a break up, hold on to a bad boy, build their entire life around the man they are dating before he deserves ANY importance and more. BUT, and here is the solution, if a man you are dating or love ignores you and you do something else that has nothing to do with him to make you feel good, and you do this a couple of times, then THAT’s the new pathway you’ll build in your brain.
That’s what you’ll continue to do next time and on autopilot. That’s why some women don’t care when a man ignores them. And not just say they don’t care, because almost everyone does that.
No they actually do not care. This is not a natural gift they were born with. They’ve taught themselves habits like these. The trick is to decide what you want that habit to be the next time a guy you love makes you feel bad. It could for instance be: okay, screw him, I’ll make him less important and make my piano lessons MORE important. Pick something that can make you feel good that’s ACTUALLY good for you. Go for a run, make a healthy smoothy whatever. Because here’s what your brain learns then: “whenever the man I love hurts my feelings, I’ll do something GOOD to feel better” instead of waiting for him to call back, waiting for him to prove he still loves me, instead of losing myself and so on. Can you feel the power of this simple trick?? Our brain will memorize whatever made us feel good and will want more of it. If we do something empowering, it will want more of that too and that good thing becomes the habit.
Plus, of course, this here makes you even more attractive to him and at the same time will help you to get over the bad men way faster. When a man ignores you and your brain wants to obsess or seek a sign of life from him, try to direct your brain and say: “what’s something I can do NOW that’s good for me, that has absolutely nothing do to with him?” And then do that. Because, he may not be ignoring you and can just be busy. You not obsessing is good for you AND for the relationship then. If he’s an idiot who tricked you, then this approach makes you care less about him because you start getting good feelings from other activities then. It’s a win-win.
If you want more techniques to master your emotions and your brain while you’re dating, are in a relationship and even while married, just visit me on Briannox.com for techniques that I don’t post over here. My books are on Amazon, you can just type in my pen name in the search bar. If you’re not using audible yet and you sign up for a trial via my special link, you even get my audible book for free.