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In this video I’ll talk about a relationship “secret”.
The actor Rob Lowe has been married for almost 30 years and when asked in Men’s Journal what the secret to his marriage was: he said: casting.
What a great answer. When a movie has a great script, but bad actors, bad casting, you probably won’t enjoy the movie.
When you try to prepare your favorite meal, but the ingredients are bad, it won’t taste like it should.
If we want a great long-term relationship, the casting, the ingredients, will matter more than anything else.
You can be the prettiest, sweetest, most charming woman, most attractive woman In the world, if you cast and pick the wrong man to be in a relationship with, you’ll feel nothing but frustrations. From the first date until the end of that relationship.
We cannot make a good movie with bad actors or a great meal with bad ingredients, however hard we try, and we cannot have a great romantic relationship with the wrong partner. It sounds so obvious, but there’s a trap here.
Just like it only takes you 5 minutes to know somebody can’t act and the rest of the movie will be bad, we usually know after only a couple of dates whether we have a CHANCE of having a real and HAPPY future with someone, or not.
But the question is, how hard will we try to ignore it if the answer is negative? When we know we’ve given the role to the wrong person?
See, when we’re in love, we’re generally pretty blind.
A scientific study done in 2004 by Andreas Bartels, using neuroimaging, brainscans, has found that the analytical part of our brain, the one that judges the intentions of another person, … you know: are they good or bad for us, is partially shut down when the hormones of love, like oxytocin, flood our brain.
This is interesting and many other studies came to the same conclusions by the way.
When we’re in love, we value the other person higher than we should. In other words, we put them on a pedestal. If you tend to do that, there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s totally natural. The deadly poison arsenic is natural as well, so it’s not necessarily a good thing of course.
That blindness in love and relationships makes the casting of the right person even more difficult. Like I say in another video, bad people are usually not followed around by a swarm… of flies, so we tend to miss it at first.
But even when we DO see it, we get thoughts like: “but I love that person.” As a woman you may think: “but I love him, even though he makes me slightly unhappy NOW, even though I worry more about him than anything else, I may never find a guy like him again! Ever”.
Well. That’s actually a good thing.
If a guy you’re dating is treating you badly, it’s best not to find a guy like him again of course.
But your mind may not see it that way.
If I look at my own past, I’ve had those: “Oh, I’ll never find a girl like her again” thoughts during a break up too. But now, looking back at those women, I smile. Because I was about as compatible with those women as pigeon and a shark are for each other. In other words: not a great match.
But I couldn’t see it at the time. I was blind.
Yet we have to wake up, and we should listen more often to our gut. Our gut will often tell us whether someone’s right or wrong for us.
And it does so very soon. Sometimes it only takes one date.
And as soon as you decide he’s not right for you. Be gone and never look back.
Dating and relationships are a lottery. We have to pick the right numbers and we have to play often to win.
But we only have to win once.
In order to cast somebody we’re compatible with, we’ll have to organise a lot of auditions, a lot of interviews, a lot of failed relationships. It’s the price we have to pay.
Everything we want in life is on the other side of some kind of effort. But the pure joy of being genuinely loved, is on the other side of that effort, that pain, as well. Its worth the agony that we have to go through first.
Here’s another interesting fact.
Men are giving you their best behavior in the early stages of a relationship. Because if they are in love with you, they will be putting YOU on a pedestal as well.
They suffer from the same shutdown in their brain.
So if a guy doesn’t treat you well, especially in the beginning.
He’s not in love.
Or, and that’s actually MUCH worse: he IS in love with you! And this is the BEST he will ever give, given that he’s so much in love.
So from then on it will only get worse.
If it’s already bad then, you don’t want what’s coming. So run like you’re chased by a flock of angry rattlesnakes.
I get so many emails every day from women who tell me:
“well he did this and that and I know I should be treated better, but I love him, I think he’s the right guy for me.“ And I don’t blame them. They’re just blind, they’re not seeing it.
But their gut is awake, that’s the part of them that’s sending me that Email.
Listen to your gut.
It’s an ancient part of us that is meant to guide us in life. It can be wrong.
But it may be telling us it’s time for another round of castings.
So make sure that “NEXT” is in your dictionary of love whenever it’s needed. Every “next” brings you closer to the right guy.
There are probably thousands of people out there, for each and every one of us, where the movie of our love life will look great and our gut will be silent most of the time because we re enjoying genuine love coming from a great partner thanks to the many auditions we have organized.
Keep casting until you’ve found the right actor for the movie of your life! It’s the most important role you will ever hand out to anyone.
I hope you’ve loved the message of this video. It was an important one.