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Have you ever wondered why a lot of men seem to be way more attracted to women who don’t try hard? Who don’t put in a lot of effort? Who keep the men guessing? Whereas some nice women who try to find a good man, to have a good relationship, women who put in big efforts, are easily ignored and sometimes treated without a lot of respect? Does this mean you have to be a “bad” woman in order to have a great love life? Or that your phone should only send about half of the messages you try to send, you know so you ignore him a bit on autopilot… ?
It sometimes seems that way doesn’t it? Because you may have noticed that as soon as a woman really likes a guy and starts doing her best, it’s very easy to lose him. Sometimes all she has to do is use the magical sentence: “I wonder, and I don’t want to pressure you but where is this gooo” and she might not even be able to finish the sentence before he jumps in his car and races out of there because he thinks there’s a T-rex running after him.
You may also have noticed that the men she’s not interested in seem way more attracted to her than the man she cannot stop thinking about. So you may have wondered: what is it that makes women who don’t try hard so attractive to a lot of men. Well it’s their mindset and the way they behave, it’s not because they are “bad” because most of them are not, but there’s a big possible misconception here as well. Let’s look at what’s so special about it and why it’s so attractive to men and, the final reason I’ll give may surprise you because it shows some men are more sensitive than you may think.
If you don’t know me yet, my name is Geert, I’m an author and I also use the pen name Brian Nox and I’ve done a lot of research around this topic while writing some of my books about dating and relationships for women and first I want to address the potential misconception. You might think: right women who don’t try hard never chase after a man, they don’t show their feelings or even that they are interested in a guy, they wait for the men to come to them, to seduce them, to prove their worth.
No, not really because as I’m sure you may have noticed it doesn’t matter how great or funny or smart or attractive a woman is, if she waits for men to come to her, if she’s afraid to show she’s interested in a man or to text him first or ask him out again, she will only have a very small group of men to choose from and in that group she will find a lot of players and bad men. Trying is not bad, trying hard is bad. Showing that you’re interested isn’t bad it’s even necessary if you want a relationship. Man or woman if we’re passive in our love life, we will only get to experience a small % of what’s really possible.
Now the first thing men are attracted to is that women who don’t try hard, never try to change a man’s opinion about them. So they don’t try to make him like them, they think: do I like him? Are you worth my time, my energy, my attention? And they are not arrogant about this, but instead of thinking: how do I make him like me, they think: should I like him? They may have feelings for him, their mind may think about him a lot and believe he’s the best thing that ever happened to them since chocolate, but they wonder whether continuing with him is best for them or not.
And because of this they go slow. They don’t get excited too soon. Even if he looks like the perfect guy inside and out, he will have to prove it. They know even princes can turn back into frogs. Now this gives the man the opportunity to put in efforts and there’s a strange thing that happens there. When we have to put in efforts for something, we start valuing it more. I’m sure you have already felt that too. We put in efforts for things and people that we find valuable, and because we put in efforts, we value them even more.
Women who don’t try hard give men the space to put in those efforts. The right man for you wants to earn your attention, your love, everything. So give him the space to earn it. Because if a man isn’t willing to earn it or to invest in the relationship, he will never be the right man, by definition.
Now I do want to repeat that the women I’m talking about here are not arrogant and they’re not passive either. They don’t try hard, but they do try. They also invest in the relationship of course. But they know very well when to stop.
They meet a great guy, they may initiate a conversation, they may text him first, they may ask him out on a date or tell him it was a great date afterwards, they will put in a certain amount of effort and then they leave it up to the guy. If he doesn’t reciprocate, if he’s not consistent, they won’t try harder. They stop. They open the door, if he doesn’t want to come in, they won’t drag him in. And men can sense this and are attracted to it. So are women of course. This behavior proves that someone has self-esteem, self-love, boundaries and standards. That’s super attractive.
The second reason why women who don’t try HARD are so attractive to men is because once a man has had his first girlfriends he has of course learned that there’s much more than looks when it comes to having a great relationship with a great woman. Just like you probably are, most men are looking for a relationship with someone with a great personality, a relationship without unnecessary drama, or games or immature behavior. Now looks are easy to see, someone’s personality is a lot harder to spot. There we have to use signs. You do this so you probably… And we’re often not consciously thinking about these things, but our mind and our instincts are paying attention to this.
So what a lot of people are looking for are signs of self-esteem, boundaries and standards and THE best sign that someone has these is when they don’t over-invest. You don’t like me? Fine, bye. You ignore me? What’s your name again? Bye. You do like me? You do invest your time and energy in this relationship? Great, me too. Again it’s fine to invest first, to put in some efforts first, to break the ice or open the door, but then it has to start coming from both sides. So not over-investing, not being too eager, not overcompensating is one of the things that makes women who don’t try hard very attractive.
These women lose interest REALLY quickly in men that are not interested in them. And a lot of men appreciate and love that. Can you see why? It makes these men feel special. They don’t take her time and her presence for granted. They know it’s very valuable. Her interest in them is not a given. These men learn really quickly that if they want her in their life, they will have to be respectful and invest in the relationship as well because otherwise she automatically makes them less important.
Here’s another reason, women who don’t try hard are not afraid to get hurt in a relationship or while they are dating a man. Now this is an interesting one. When a woman is afraid to get hurt, she may seek validation, she may put up a wall, or be jealous or insecure, she probably won’t open up, she may not try hard to get a man, but she’s still trying hard to not get hurt and that’s a problem too. She won’t enjoy her love life. That’s like travelling to a city you’ve always wanted to visit, arriving by plane, calling a taxicab to drive you around but then never getting out of the car. Will that be a great experience?
When we are too tentative, too careful, we don’t get to experience things fully. Now women who don’t try to not get hurt, will probably be themselves. So the guy they are dating will be able to experience their full personality and energy. Not just a tiny fraction of it. And this does two things, when we open up, when the walls come down and we are fully our vulnerable selves, people that don’t like us will figure that out really fast and will leave. But the people that are meant for us, they can fully see us and feel the full level of attraction.
The 4th reason is a special one. Women who don’t try hard to get a man usually don’t ask their love interest: so what are we? Where is this going? As I’m sure you know asking that question often pushes people away and when we have to ask it there’s usually already something wrong. The women I’m talking about in this video don’t ask, they take it where they want it to go to. They tell a guy: I like you, I want to date you. And after a couple of great dates where the man has put in efforts as well, where he asked HER out as well, if he doesn’t say it first they may say: I want a relationship with you.
And the guy is either in or out. He will not be pressured, there won’t be any: where’s this going? Because it’s either going where they want or it’s not and if it’s not, the guy becomes less important to them. Not more important. He deserves less efforts then, not more. And because there is no pressure, on anyone in that relationship, it’s much easier to commit. But why? Well, there are many reasons but one of them is that a lot people don’t like to be controlled in a relationship. They want some freedom. Pressure is the opposite, it makes them lose interest fast.
And a final huge reason why men are very attracted to women who don’t try hard is because they trust them more. Now this is a difficult and strange one. A lot of us, men and women, have been in previous relationships where things weren’t what they seemed. Where the person turned out to be different than we thought. Right? Now when do we not trust a salesperson for example? When they pressure us. When they try hard to make the sale, to get us to commit. When they try hard to make it look perfect. We may not believe what they are telling us then. It makes us hit the brakes and turn around, right?
It sounds too good to be true. But if that salesperson would say: “well buy it or don’t, do what’s best for you” or even better, if that salesperson would say: “here are all the reasons why this may not be the right product for you”, then what?…then it may start to feel like we can trust them and that they have our best interest in mind, right? Many studies, for example described in the book Influence by Robert Cialdini have proven that this is how it works.
It’s the same in a relationship and when we are dating someone. We are all also wondering: who are you, can I trust you, are you going to make me happy or miserable? Will you break my heart? Should I invest my valuable time and feelings in you? And yes, a lot of men think this too. Well those who are serious about having a relationship will.