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In this video you will learn why detaching from the man you are interested in is a great way to attract him, to then keep him but most importantly, to never lose yourself in a relationship. To never give a man control over you. To feel safer, more respected and loved in your romantic relationship. To never have to fight for his attention or love or whatever. Here’s why: the things and people we are attached to, own us. That’s not what we want of course.

Even in our love life, we should never give someone else control over us. “Of course” a lot of people then think. DUH! But they fail to realize that by being attached to someone, they are giving that person control over them, over their emotions. The more we are afraid of losing someone, the more we put someone on a pedestal, the more we attach to them or the future we really want to have with them, the more that person has control over us. And the funny thing is, they don’t have to do big things to use that control. It will be easy to make us feel bad.

For example, if we have been on a first date with someone, and to us it felt really great, we hope to see them again and we feel a lot of chemistry, we get attached a bit already, we picture what a relationship together would look like and the next morning, with a lot of butterflies in our stomach, we send them a text message to say we had fun and we hope to see them again. And we do that because we find it important to eventually have a relationship with them.

Cool, what’s not cool is that 24 hours later, they still did not reply, even though they saw the message. How will that make us feel? Probably not great. Plus, every time our phone vibrates or beeps we will run to our phone to see if it was them. See, they already have control over our emotions, and this was just the first date.

And it doesn’t end with these text messages of course, but my point is, the more we attach to someone, the less in control we will feel and the more we start to lose ourselves. The solution is simple. Stop dating, avoid romantic contact with anyone, put a wall around your heart and never ever fall in love again. Just kidding. Luckily there is another way, detachment. Thanks to detachment we can remain in control. Nobody owns us, we own ourselves. We can be in a healthy relationship and love someone while still not giving away control. So let’s talk about it.

My name is Geert, I also use the pen name Brian Nox, I write about relationships and other topics and if you love to be in a relationship and feel respected and loved, if you like to sleep well at night and hate overthinking everything, especially when it comes to dating or relationship related things, if you want to feel strong and confident, detachment can help you out a lot.

Detachment while dating or in a relationship means that we remain independent. We are and remain our own person and our love interest becomes the cherry on the pie. They are a great addition to our life. But not a necessity. They don’t own us and we don’t own them. In the movie Jerry Mcguirre Tom Cruise says the famous romantic sentence: you…..complete.. me. And that’s very romantic, but that means that, when we are single, we are uncomplete. That there’s a part that is missing, like a car without an engine.

But we are complete. We’re not perfect, but we are complete. Nobody else needs to come in to rescue and “complete” us. Because if that were true, then wow, relationships do become this big and heavy thing that should keep us up all night. I, personally, and let me know what you think in the comments, but I like to think I am my own person. Whether I’m single or in a relationship, I am complete. Far from perfect, but complete. I am me. I’m not a car without an engine. If we need someone in order to feel complete or to be happy, say hello to being dependent and needy and to feel bad in that relationship. We’ve just sold our soul and happiness to that person then.

To me, detachment is not about not caring or shielding our heart or being indifferent, it is all about FULL acceptance of whatever can happen. We are and feel more in control, BECAUSE we are not trying to control everything. Because we accept every possible outcome. We don’t try to control what happens because we don’t need it to go in a certain direction (emphasis on NEED here, it would be great if a person turns out to be the love of our life, but it’s not a necessity). And that is good news because, especially while dating or in relationships, we cannot control what happens. We are dealing with another person, they will do what they do and it will often be unpredictable. The more we try to control the relationship or how the other person acts, the worse we will feel and the higher the chance of a breakup.

Now the first way to help you to detach, is to realize that not everything is a big deal. A lot of things that feel like a big deal, are not a big deal. Especially when we look back at them in 10 years. Like a breakup for example. That usually feels like a bad thing, but we don’t know that it IS a bad thing. 10 years from now we may look back and decide it’s the best thing that ever happened to us because it was the steppingstone to get us to our dream life and a great relationship with someone else. We never know, only time will tell, so we might as well learn to say: It is what it is!

So we detach from people, but also from outcomes! Oh, a relationship with that person will be SO great. I can picture how romantic it will be. I have to do everything I can to make that work. Euh no, we don’t. Losing ourselves to make a relationship work for example, is in my opinion never ever worth it. Plus, sometimes we are attached to something that is not even real. We meet someone and our mind comes up with a picture of who that person is and what our future together could look like. Rainbows and unicorns, and well, a fairy tale…But what is that based on? Guesswork. We are guessing.

And also in the opposite direction. Sometimes we meet someone, fall for them and then the walls go up because what if they hurt our feelings? What if they do what that other person did to us in the past? What if I open my heart and they hurt me? That’s also an outcome we have to detach from. What is this all based on? Guesses. We still do not know. This is a new person and we have so much to learn about them and that takes a long time. So we detach from the outcome and we let it play out.

A second way to use detachment and get good at it, is to do things alone. Completely alone. That’s when you get to know yourself. That’s when you see and learn that you can be happy, alone. I personally have always needed that. For example, ever since I became an adult, whether I was single or in a relationship, I have always travelled alone for a couple of days, or even weeks when I was single, per year. Just me, no friends either. It strengthens the relationship I have with myself.

When we know that we can be happy and totally fulfilled alone, because we have experienced it, it becomes easier to detach from someone. To not make a big deal out of everything. To see where it goes, a good relationship or a breakup and either way is fine. When we create a great relationship with ourselves through time spent alone, by doing things alone, we become our own best friend. And when that happens, feeling lonely becomes the exception. Being afraid of losing someone, no longer is an issue. Because the other person is not the missing piece of the puzzle. We have all the pieces. We are the full puzzle and they are their own separate puzzle.

And everybody wins, because when we do detach, our love interest meets the real us. Not the needy version of us, not the jealous version of us, not the overthinking version of us… we won’t chase after them. We won’t put pressure on them, it will be harder to scare them away, they will not feel suffocated by our actions. Only psychopaths and other dangerous people want to “own” us, want to control us, other people feel suffocated when we give them that power by attaching to them, by depending on them. It feels like a burden and they will lose romantic interest because of it.

But the opposite, when they feel you are not attached, when they feel you like them, are attracted, perhaps love them, but at the same time you are not attached, you are your own independent person, you are unapologetically yourself and not afraid to show who that is, you then become irresistible. It creates a force that pulls them in, instead of the force that pushes them away when you would be needy.

So even when you are in a relationship, do things on your own. Even if it’s just for a couple of hours here and there. Become your own best friend. Get to know yourself as much as you can and that doesn’t happen when you’re always surrounded by a partner or friends or even a pet, like a dog. No distractions, and no scrolling on social media then either. If you have never done this, this will feel weird at first, but it’s super liberating.

But there is more. I’ve already talked about things often not being a big deal. Being detached also means we intellectually choose what is a big deal and what is not. Regardless of what our emotions or our ego is saying. To stay with the same example I used earlier, when you text someone, they see the message and then don’t text you back for 48 hours, the big deal this may seem to be, is not real. That’s our ego. Perhaps that person is really busy and will reply as soon as they can. No big deal. Perhaps that person does not like you and was faking that they were interested in you earlier. Well then they are definitely not a big deal.

So detaching also means that we realize, my mind thinks this is a big deal, but the mind often makes mistakes. Is this worth my time and attention? Will this truly change the course of my life in a bad direction? Am I sure of that? As you will see, it’s very often not THAT big of a deal. Now, just for your information: if someone doesn’t text us back for 48 hours and NOBODY has heard from them ever since, they may have been abducted and then that is a big deal. Just for your information.

And also, just in case all of this would make you think that you have to not care about him or become indifferent to detach. That’s not what I’m saying. You can love him very much. You can enjoy his presence. You’re just not going to fight for it. You’re not going to worry that it may end or that he may hurt your feelings. Because if that happens, and if we look at the divorce and breakup statistics, then this is a possibility, if that happens, then you will feel bad, but you will deal with it and move on. You are more than strong enough. AND, you will cross that bridge when you have to. Not before.

Plus, if you ever have to fight for a guy because HE IS indifferent, if you ever feel like you have to worry and overthink and strategize to not lose him because one day he’s interested and the other day he’s not, then… you know what I’m going to say right? … he’s not the right guy for you then. The only people that technically deserve to have “control” over us and our emotions to that extent, are the ones that make the relationship feel safe and somewhat smooth, the ones that put in an equal effort so we don’t have to be afraid or worry all the time in the first place!

A third way to detach, so one was: realize that not everything is a big deal and that our brain and ego make mistakes there, two was: doing things on your own. 3 is: you come first. To you, your own well-being should always be the most important thing on this planet. And no that doesn’t make you selfish. You probably have heard of the typical example of the flight attendant in the airplane that says that: in case of an emergency, if the masks fall down, put one on yourself first before helping other people. Otherwise you may faint and then you cannot help anyone.

It’s the same in life. I’m not talking about caring for a newborn baby for example. But with adults, if we make other people more important than us. We will lose ourselves and then nobody gets to enjoy everything that makes us great and loving and supportive. A great question to ask to detach in this area is: “if my wellbeing is really important? What would I do in this situation?” This question forces us to detach and will sometimes show us another path we can take.

I hope you appreciated this video.

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